Well, it appears that I can't quite follow through on anything that I say I'm going to do or, more specifically, that I say I'm NOT going to do. After peeing on a stick this morning and finding another faint line that was no darker than yesterday afternoon's line, I broke down and went in for a blood draw this morning. My
rationalizing reasoning is that even if this turns out to be a chemical pregnancy, it might be a good idea to have it medically documented that there is HCG in my system and to find out what the exact HCG and progesterone numbers are. The nurse is supposed to call me with the results this afternoon. Due to the Thanksgiving holiday, I won't be able to get another follow-up beta until Monday. As usual, waiting is the name of the game.
Emotionally, after my initial freak-out, I have been doing fairly well, all things considered. I have been praying often and asking God for strength to get me through this regardless of what happens and to help me to stay calm. That is helping me a lot. (Of course, I am also praying that somehow this one will work out well, but I'm not counting on that prayer being answered with a "yes." Can't hurt to ask, though.) For now, I am just thinking "Today I have some HCG in my system; tomorrow we'll see." It's trite, but I'm really trying to take it one day (sometimes one hour) at a time.
I do wish that I was still naive enough to be very happy, excited, and hopeful about actually having a baby when I see a second line on a peestick. But after four miscarriages over 3 1/2 years, that type of euphoria and unbridled hope is just not possible anymore. However, I keep telling myself that, unlike the past several months that resulted in negative peesticks, right now there is a chance that I will have a baby in 9 months. So today there is some hope.
Physically, I'm not having any pregnancy symptoms, except that I am tired. However, that could just be regular, garden variety tiredness. Through repeated poking to check, I have determined that my boobs are not the least bit sore. Also, I slept through the night last night without getting up to pee. Since fatigue, sore boobs, and frequent urination always have been pregnancy symptoms that I have experienced very early on, it concerns me that I am not having any symptoms. However, as the nurse reminded me, it is still so early (cycle day 28 and about 13 or 14 dpo) that it would be normal not to have any symptoms yet. Who knows?
I am taking some comfort in the fact that I am still ovulating and can conceive on an unmedicated cycle, because I had been worrying about that, especially since I'm 37. Staying pregnant has been my problem, so I didn't want to develop a new problem of being unable to get pregnant on top of it. (Of course, ovulating and conceiving don't do me much good if I can't carry to term.)
Basically, the lines on the pee stick still are faint, I'm not having any definite pregnancy symptoms, and I had a significant amount of bleeding on Saturday, so I'm not too hopeful. I have some hope, but not much. We'll see what the beta says....
P.S. My husband and I decided that each of us would tell one person about this pregnancy, for the purpose of hopefully getting support and prayers. He told his mom (whom we trust to keep it a secret), and I told the Internet. Thanks so much to all of you who left kind comments on my last post. You guys are the best, and I really appreciate your support and prayers!