First of all, THANK you for all of your kind words and prayers. They mean more to me than I can express. Since I had been away from my blog for such a long time, I wasn't even sure if anyone was still checking it. I was touched and humbled by your generous response, and especially by the people who told me that they would pray for me despite the fact that they don't normally pray.
I had my ultrasound this afternoon. The good news is that the subchorionic hemorrhage is resolving nicely; it's noticeably smaller than last week. The bad news is that it appears that I am going to miscarry anyway. The baby's size/growth is measuring a week behind. We did see a very, very slow and sluggish heartbeat, but it was way behind where it should be for seven weeks. The doctor said that where there's still life, there's still a shred of hope, but it looks pretty certain that I am headed for miscarriage #7.
The doctor didn't think I am going to miscarry in the next few days (although she does think it will happen in the next two weeks), so in the morning I will be on my way out of town to my dad's bedside. He has been having more tests today and probaby will get a more definite diagnosis/prognosis tomorrow or Friday. One doctor said that it if it is indeed cancer in his lungs, as they think it is, it is rampant. They have ruled out that it is prostate cancer that has spread (he was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer in 1999). They think it is a different kind of cancer that has spread from somewhere else. (I should mention that my dad has never smoked or worked in a smoky atmosphere.) They did a bone scan to check for bone cancer, which would explain the debilitating pain he has been having lately. We are bracing ourselves for the possibility that he may not have much time left at all. My heart aches for my dad and what he is going through, and for my mom, too. She has not even recovered yet from her recent cardiac bypass surgery and all the subsequent complications.
My friend has had more tests this week that indicate that it's looking more and more likely that she has ovarian cancer. She has spots on both her ovaries and a baseball sized mass between her liver and kidneys. She has a hard road ahead, no matter what, and she could die. I feel terrible for her and her husband.
It is hard to fathom so much horrific news coming all at once. I am reeling and a bit numb. I don't even really have much opportunity to deal with the miscarriage news because I need to go and be a comfort to my dad. I can't fall apart yet.
I really was hoping that the pregnancy would miraculously work out, that there would be the bright spot of new life in the midst of all this darkness. I was feeling pretty hopeful and confident before the ultrasound because my pregnancy symptoms had come back with a vengeance. I have been feeling utterly wretched physically, exhausted and nauseated. I even vomited on Monday later in the day, the first time I have ever actually thrown up due to morning sickness.
I don't understand why all of this is happening, but I keep coming back to the fact that it is a fallen world where death and disease flourish. I don't know why God couldn't have extended his mercy to me by allowing me to have this baby, but I am going to continue to trust him anyway. I am not going to let any of this steal my faith or make me bitter; I don't have control over much, but I DO have control over that.
I am trusting God to give me the strength to get me through this, bit by bit. I very sad and am probably going to get even more sad before this season is over, but this is not going to break me.
I wish there was something I could say or do to bring you comfort right now. You and your family will remain in my prayers. And please know that if you need to talk or want to meet for coffee or ANYTHING that I am here for you.
Posted by: Dawn | January 10, 2007 at 04:44 PM
Jill, I have just caught up on everything that is going on with you. I wish I had some comfort to offer, but I can't think of anything. You and your family are in my most fervent prayers.
Posted by: Arwen | January 10, 2007 at 04:48 PM
Oh Jill. My heart is breaking for you and those you love. I will be praying for you and trusting with you that our Lord will see you through this dark time.
Please take care of yourself.
Posted by: Donielle | January 10, 2007 at 04:53 PM
Jill,
I so admire your strength and your faith. It is unwavering and beautiful. I am so sorry this is all happening to you. I will pray for you that you continue to have the strength to endure what lies ahead.
Kate
Posted by: Kate | January 10, 2007 at 04:56 PM
I'm with Kate. Your steadfast faith and your strength are amazing to me. I'm sending up prayers for all of you.
Posted by: Heather | January 10, 2007 at 05:01 PM
Your faith is such a testament to our God. Wow. I don't even know if the superest of super-Christians could stand. After you've done all you can....stand.
I am amazed. I will commit to praying for your family. Contrary to popular opinion, prayers still are heard by God. Even when He seems far, He is so close, Jill. God bless you, honey. *hug*
Posted by: StillaMomma | January 10, 2007 at 05:06 PM
Jill, I am so very sorry. Still praying for you.
Posted by: maggie | January 10, 2007 at 05:36 PM
Dear Jill, this is all just so sad. My heart is so heavy for you and for your parents and for your friend. These burdens are so very hard to bear.
Wishing you strength and love -- and hoping that this dark, dark hour soon gives way to warm and healing light.
Posted by: Kath | January 10, 2007 at 05:59 PM
Just wanted to let you know how much I was thinking of you. One of this things is too much to have to deal with, much less all off it.
Posted by: millie | January 10, 2007 at 06:03 PM
If positive thoughts and waves of virtual hugs from random people who come across your blog mean anything, you WILL get your happy ending. Know that a lot of nameless, faceless people are hoping and wishing you get the child you desire and deserve.
Hugs and more hugs.
Posted by: Anon | January 10, 2007 at 09:29 PM
I wish you'd had better news about your pregnancy. I will continue to hope and pray for your baby, who is still alive. It is very hard to deal with so many crises at once. My mother's cancer severely complicated my grieving process for my miscarriage. I simply could not deal with so much all at one time. I wish I could help you somehow. I don't understand why these things happen, either. One thing that I felt at the time was a desperate sense of insecurity, as if every single thing that I love in my life could now be ripped away from me. It has taken me a long time to get back to a sense of peace and trust. I had horrible visions of my whole house burning down, my husband and son dying. You go through life thinking that there is some kind of limit on the pain and loss you can experience at one time, and then there's not, and that is a deeply frightening realization. But God can get us through it. Trust in him and he will pull you through. That is the one thing that cannot be taken from you. I never thought I would feel okay again, but I do. You will, too. I continue to pray for you.
Posted by: Ersza | January 10, 2007 at 10:16 PM
I'm still praying too.
Posted by: Juliet | January 11, 2007 at 02:24 AM
praying for you and your family and friends.
Posted by: janet | January 11, 2007 at 07:56 AM
Your name is now at the TOP of the prayer list - for whatever you need to cope and survive and keep trusting God. Also sending an internet hug!
Posted by: Salome Ellen | January 11, 2007 at 08:03 AM
I will continue to pray and hope for you and your baby and family. It is a matter of prayer, and togetherness that will get you through this hard time.
Prayers for you, and your baby, your father and family, and your dear friend.
My heart goes out to you.
Posted by: Krystle | January 11, 2007 at 09:27 AM
Prayers. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Jennifer | January 11, 2007 at 10:12 AM
Jill - I have no words that will make this all better, but I wish that I did. Know that you, your family, and your friend are all in my prayers. Sending love your way and praying for all of you.
Posted by: Sami | January 11, 2007 at 10:40 AM
This is so heartbreaking- I'm sorry life has thrown so much crap your way in such a short period of time. Thinking of you, and your dad, and your friend, and your baby...
Posted by: Leggy | January 11, 2007 at 11:40 AM
Wow. I had been checking back on your blog since the holidays ended and just got caught up today. I am so sorry for all the things you are dealing with right now. It does seem that things come in waves..almost to the point where it is hard to believe. My MIL always told me (when we were going through IF) that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". It really didnt give me much comfort at the time but it turned out to be true. You, your family and your friend are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Chris | January 11, 2007 at 03:19 PM
I'm very sorry to read this news. I know nothing I say will help, but I am sending strength to you to get through all of this.
Posted by: MichelleL | January 11, 2007 at 04:21 PM
Jill, like everyone here, I wish there were words that could truly express what I think and that they could be of comfort. You are so strong and brave. God Bless You.
Posted by: Jill | January 11, 2007 at 05:25 PM
Jill, I check regularly in the hopes that there will be good news, and I'm stunned and heartbroken to read that you are going through this much heartache all at once. My prayers are with you, your family and your friend.
Posted by: halloweenlover | January 11, 2007 at 05:31 PM
Jill, I am so, so sorry for all that is happening in your life.
Posted by: kati | January 11, 2007 at 08:55 PM
Oh Man!
What I don't understand is how 1 woman can suffer so much and stay as strong as you have been. I admire that you can't be taken down. This will all come back to you in the end, somehow. You will see a light at the end of the tunnel, eventually.
((((HUGS))))
Posted by: Marz | January 11, 2007 at 10:37 PM
I'm so sorry. Sending you love, strength, and prayers.
Posted by: Nikole | January 12, 2007 at 03:03 PM