First of all, THANK you for all of your kind words and prayers. They mean more to me than I can express. Since I had been away from my blog for such a long time, I wasn't even sure if anyone was still checking it. I was touched and humbled by your generous response, and especially by the people who told me that they would pray for me despite the fact that they don't normally pray.
I had my ultrasound this afternoon. The good news is that the subchorionic hemorrhage is resolving nicely; it's noticeably smaller than last week. The bad news is that it appears that I am going to miscarry anyway. The baby's size/growth is measuring a week behind. We did see a very, very slow and sluggish heartbeat, but it was way behind where it should be for seven weeks. The doctor said that where there's still life, there's still a shred of hope, but it looks pretty certain that I am headed for miscarriage #7.
The doctor didn't think I am going to miscarry in the next few days (although she does think it will happen in the next two weeks), so in the morning I will be on my way out of town to my dad's bedside. He has been having more tests today and probaby will get a more definite diagnosis/prognosis tomorrow or Friday. One doctor said that it if it is indeed cancer in his lungs, as they think it is, it is rampant. They have ruled out that it is prostate cancer that has spread (he was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer in 1999). They think it is a different kind of cancer that has spread from somewhere else. (I should mention that my dad has never smoked or worked in a smoky atmosphere.) They did a bone scan to check for bone cancer, which would explain the debilitating pain he has been having lately. We are bracing ourselves for the possibility that he may not have much time left at all. My heart aches for my dad and what he is going through, and for my mom, too. She has not even recovered yet from her recent cardiac bypass surgery and all the subsequent complications.
My friend has had more tests this week that indicate that it's looking more and more likely that she has ovarian cancer. She has spots on both her ovaries and a baseball sized mass between her liver and kidneys. She has a hard road ahead, no matter what, and she could die. I feel terrible for her and her husband.
It is hard to fathom so much horrific news coming all at once. I am reeling and a bit numb. I don't even really have much opportunity to deal with the miscarriage news because I need to go and be a comfort to my dad. I can't fall apart yet.
I really was hoping that the pregnancy would miraculously work out, that there would be the bright spot of new life in the midst of all this darkness. I was feeling pretty hopeful and confident before the ultrasound because my pregnancy symptoms had come back with a vengeance. I have been feeling utterly wretched physically, exhausted and nauseated. I even vomited on Monday later in the day, the first time I have ever actually thrown up due to morning sickness.
I don't understand why all of this is happening, but I keep coming back to the fact that it is a fallen world where death and disease flourish. I don't know why God couldn't have extended his mercy to me by allowing me to have this baby, but I am going to continue to trust him anyway. I am not going to let any of this steal my faith or make me bitter; I don't have control over much, but I DO have control over that.
I am trusting God to give me the strength to get me through this, bit by bit. I very sad and am probably going to get even more sad before this season is over, but this is not going to break me.