The question of adoption and race

***Thanks to all of you who prayed or sent best wishes on my mom's behalf last week.  The good news is that the cardiac catheterization went smoothly.  The bad news is that it revealed a greater than 90% blockage in a particularly dangerous location in her left anterior descending artery, and for a variety of reasons her doctors feel that bypass surgery is the best next step. 

Thus, she is scheduled for the surgery early Thursday morning.  I am going to make the trip to be with my parents on the day of the surgery and to help out during the initial recovery, so I again will be away from the Internet for a while. 

I am very thankful that the blockage was discovered before it caused a heart attack, but I also am feeling concerned about the upcoming surgery.  Cardiac surgery always is a significant health event, and I imagine the recovery is harder for an elderly person (my mom is 79). 

Any prayers that you could pray for a smooth surgery and an uncomplicated, speedy recovery would be most appreciated.***

...and now back to our regularly scheduled adoption programming:

I have mentioned here that my husband and I have embarked on the initial stages of the adoption process, but up until now I haven't really written in much detail about it, so I thought that I would take this opportunity to discuss it.  We are pursuing a domestic infant adoption, preferably of a healthy white baby. 

That preceding sentence is a simple statement, but I can assure you that the thought process leading up to the statement has been anything but simple.

First of all, we had to work on getting comfortable with the idea of adoption in general and with the fact that it appears likely that we aren't able to have a biological child.  I could write a book's worth of posts just on that subject, but not today.  For this post I'm going to focus on one particular aspect of our decision, the aspect about which I feel the most uncomfortable discussing:  the race issue.

Why have we chosen to seek to adopt a white baby?  It's definitely not because we think we would be able to love a white baby more than a child of a different race or that we think that there is anything more inherently desirable about a white baby.  It's in large part because my husband and I are both white and have examined our lives, the environment in which we lead our daily lives, and we have realized that our environment is not very racially or culturally diverse.  Therefore, it may not be the ideal environment for a child of another race, and we're not very motivated to move to another neighborhood or to make other significant changes that would be required for us to attain a more racially or culturally diverse environment.  I hate to admit that, but it's true. 

At the required two-day seminar hosted by our adoption agency that we attended last month, we spent a large chunk of one day discussing transracial and transcultural adoption, the extra layer of issues such adoptive family will face, and the extra struggles that a child who is of a different race than his adoptive parents may experience.  The instructor emphasized that prospective adoptive families, in determining whether to adopt transracially, should assess the current level of racial and cultural diversity in their neighborhood, their school district, and the people that they interact with every day because it is helpful for a child to have contact with people of his own racial or cultural heritage. 

To help us assess the diversity in our lives, the instructor conducted a simple exercise in which  she gave each couple several small containers of colored beads that symbolized various races: white = Caucasian, black = African or African American, yellow = Asian or Asian American, red beads = Native American, brown beads = Hispanic, and beige = mixed racial heritage.  She asked about twenty questions such as "What race is your boss?  Your pastor/priest?  The musicians/singers that you listen to? The actors in the movies you choose to watch?  The people on the covers of the magazines to which you subscribe?  The people in your neighborhood?  The children in your school district?  Your spouse? Your mother?  Your father? Your closest friends?"  In answer to each question, each prospective adoptive parent chose a bead and dropped it into a cup in front of him or her.  At the end of the exercise, we examined our cups to see how racially diverse our daily lives are. 

My husband and I realized that we are just about the whitest people alive.  My cup was a sea of white beads, except for a couple of yellow beads representing some close friends of mine who are Asian American.  The instructor said that if we were considering adopting transracially, we really should consider finding ways to introduce more racial diversity into our lives.

The sad thing is that I never fully realized the lack of racial diversity in my daily life...although I was reminded of a friend from work (another attorney) who is African American and who used to live in my neighborhood.  We had a discussion once about why she chose to leave the neighborhood and move to a different one.  One of the main reasons she cited was the local grocery store where we both shopped.  "Be honest," she said.  "How many black people have you seen shopping there?"  I had to admit that I had noticed very few.  She explained to me how she felt as if she stuck out like a sore thumb in the neighborhood, and that fact alone made it uncomfortable for her even though she hadn't encountered any specific racism.  She moved to a predominantly African American neighborhood where she felt like she blended in and fit in better.

I considered what she said, and I acknowledged that people do have a tendency to want to blend in, to be with people who look like them and share the same culture, and this might explain in part why so many neighborhoods in my city are still relatively racially homogeneous.  Still, I worried whether the plethora of white beads in my cup meant that I have insidious racist tendencies of which I was unaware...but truly, after soul-searching, I do not think I am racist.  It's always possible that I am deceiving myself about that, but I try not to make assumptions about people based on the color of their skin.  I try to have the loving heart toward people that Jesus would want me to have towards them.  I know I could love any child I adopt, regardless of color.

Nevertheless, as the instructor at the adoption seminar pointed out, we have to accept the fact that our society has not yet reached the ideal of being color-blind; race still has an impact on people's lives.  She said that prospective adoptive parents who choose to adopt a child of another race must accept this fact and understand that their child will be dealing with an extra layer of race-specific issues on top of a layer of adoption-specific issues.  Just because the adoptive parents are color-blind doesn't mean that the child or people whom the child encounters will be. This perspective was reinforced when I talked with a white couple who live down the street from me who adopted African American children; they told me that transracial adoption is not something to enter into lightly or with a naive view that being a different color won't matter to the child or have an impact on him. 

Maybe I am a wimp, but I feel daunted enough by the adoption-specific issues alone.  I don't really want to tackle the race-specific issues in addition.  Pursuing adoption, which is something my husband and I had never even ever considered until after my third miscarriage, already has taken us far outside our comfort zone, and we don't want to go even farther by venturing into the waters of transracial  or trans-cultural adoption.   For the good of any child whom we adopt, we have to be honest and aware concerning our own limitations.

I know that discussing race can be a controversial and emotionally charged issue for people, and I hope that this post has not offended anyone. I don't think there is anything wrong with transracial or transcultural adoption, and I support families who choose it.  I just don't think it's the best fit for my life, and writing about it helps me to solidify my thought process.

Comments

[dawn]

I will be thinking/praying for your mom.

This was a brave post and I'm glad you wrote it. I know I've mentioned this to you before but goodness knows that there is nothing wrong with choosing NOT to adopt transracially/transculturally. I'm sure that some of your readers will be grateful that you wrote this!! (We didn't get that bead exercise in our workshop -- I'm trying to picture my cup pre-Madison and post-Madison -- it has changed a lot!)

[Louise]

I agree with Dawn that this is a brave post.

I find myself wrestling with some of the thoughts you mention, Jill.

We are really white as well! And live in the deep south. Yet, many of the people I work with are African American.

As we consider transracial adoption, I find myself really happy to see my neighborhood getting more diverse. A multicultural family just moved in next door, for example. My first thought was: maybe our future children won't feel so different! And I am starting to notice that my church is becoming more diverse as well, not as stark white as it used to be!

Thanks for posting your thoughts on this, as you express yourself more eloquently than I am able to most of the time :-)

Sending up prayers for your mom and her upcoming surgery...

[Lyrehca]

Best wishes to your mom for her upcoming surgery.

Once again, a nicely written post, and (at least to me), not all all offensive. Just honest about the whole process and about where you live and what your lives are like.

[isabel klint]

I am not white and I think your decision makes perfect sense. It's logical and sounds like the right thing to do.

[Susan]

It sounds like you are working with a wonderfully progressive and thoughtful adoption agency, and that is a very good thing.

[maggie]

I think the beads-in-a-cup exercise is a very cool idea- I'm tempted to do my own! I am white and my husband is Chinese-American and we live in a city where interracial relationships and mixed children are extremely commonplace. I do wonder, however, what it will be like to be the only white person in our family- mixed race people I know tend to identify with the minority race, and one day we would like to adopt from China. Anyway, I'm always really interested in the adoption/race discussions! Your process makes complete sense to me. Best wishes!

[kim.kim]

I don't have an opinion on not wanting anyone but a healthy white baby, well I do but it's not complete so don't want to share it.

What I do want to say is that I hope you will be an adoptive parent who won't try to pretend the baby was born to you and won't try to pretend that he or she didn't come from another family.

The little I do know of you makes me think that you won't be one of those people who promise the earth before the adoption is finalized only to break all the promises that are "too hard" to keep.

I hope your mum will be ok.

What you write makes sense to me.

[Lisa V]

If we had done beads in a cup pre-children, it would look very different than after kids. Our lives were pretty white. After kids, because of their school we are more diverse. But you are right.

Bert and I came very close to adopting an AA baby boy (the mother eventually chose another couple who had other AA children). We were really sacred at how we would do that child justice. I know we would have tried, but it would have been very hard.

[afrindiemum]

you know - i don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging these things. it took us two years before we became comfortable with transracial adoption. i'm so glad i didn't just enter into it willy nilly. good for you for really looking at yourselves and your lives.

[Debbie Squires-Lee]

I wish WAY MORE adoptive parents would consider these issues as carefully as you have!
DS-L

[mamamarta]

wow. what a wonderful post about race and adoption! i'm new to your blog, but will definitely keep reading. i think you are spot on.

my life was pretty deeply racially diverse for more than a decade before we decided to adopt transracially, *and* i had thought and studied and read deep and wide and hard for 20 years about race and racism, and i still find that being the white mother of an african-american boy is just *huge*.

by the way, congrats on your adoption plans!

i'll definitely keep your mother in my prayers.

mamamarta

[art-sweet]

I think it sounds like you came to a decision that was right for you, and probably best for your future child. Bravo, and thanks for sharing.

[chicagomama]

I think this decision was made very thoughfully. And since I don't think that adoption should be used as a "exercise" in multi-cultural/multi-racial tolerance, but rather as a way to build a family - everyone needs to decide how to best build their family - NOT how to best feel like they did a 'good deed' or the 'right' thing. Not that doing the right thing and adoption are necessarily mutually exclusive - but I think that too many people often choose a method of adoption not based upon what will work best for their family in the long run - but rather what they consider to be the easiest path to *getting* a child: whether it is the fastest time, lying about the amount of openness they are willing to have to appeal to more expectant mothers, less 'competition' for children, or any number of other issues that people confront when they explore adoption.
Bottom line - every family needs to really confront what their lives will be like AFTER the adoption *before* they start the process. And too often, I think the system is set up to only get parents and children through the actual adoption - which seems like abandoning people at the starting point instead of sticking with them (and giving support) til that family reaches the finish line...or at least being available for when/if the family hits a 'wall'.
Good luck with your adoption plans going forward...and I will be sending good thoughts to your mother and hoping for a successful outcome. :)

[Sunny]

You did a great job with this post! Props to you!!!

[Country Mouse]

I came here by way of Dawn's post about this post (how's that for convoluted?).

Just thought I'd pipe up to say how glad I am to see you taking all of these factors into consideration as you wade into the waters of adoption, and how glad I am to see you being realistic about your own limitations on what you can cope with. I hope the process goes smoothly for you.

[Tim]

Prayed for your mother's recovery.

Yeah, it sounds like you are on the right track about adoption. Hey, a quick warning. Be careful when it comes to money put down in advance to the adoption agency. Jennifer from Perfect Work
http://perfectwork.typepad.com/my_weblog/, lost THOUSANDS of dollars on a deposit. So, there's a heads up for you, Jill.

God bless.

[Leggy]

Hope your mom's surgery goes well. Good luck to your mom.

I've had similar feelings about a transracial adoption. My other issue, and I wrote about it maybe six months ago, was privacy. I don't want to be walking down the street with my family and feel like my life is on display. I know that's not an issue for a lot of people, its just my own little hang up.

[owlhaven]

Sounds like you were very thoughtful in all this. I for one do not find it offensive at all. I will be linking to this post in my blog at http://ethiopia.adoptionblogs.com/ sometime this week.

Mary, mom to many including 2 Ethiopian daughters

[Alex]

My thoughts, hopes, and prayers are with your mom.

I enjoyed this post and found it very thoughtful. My DH and have also been working on adopting domestically so the issues are not foreign (no pun intended) to us. Like you, we decided we are not currently well-equipped to race a child of a different race. At least with the agency we are working with, that need not be a permanent decision; we can revisit it. I don't know that we will, but we can.

In contrast, we are comfortable dealing with some things that I know other people would dismiss out of hand, like a birthmom who had used drugs or alcohol while pregnant. These are such personal decisions and those were ours.

I'm not sure where this fits, but it's important to me: People talking about adoption in the abstract, and sometimes in the concrete, often talk/write about adopting as something one does "for the child." I don't know your thinking on this, but I am not adopting "for the child." I chose adoption as the best way for me to become a mom and began it for me because I want to be a mom. Truthfully, I know that any child I may adopt would have had access to many other good adoptive families. I do not feel that I am providing the child a service through adoption.

I will mother for the child. But adopting is for me.

I'm not sure exactly why that's important, but for me, I think accepting adopting as something that's about me (again, not the parenting that will result, but the act of adopting itself), has helped me think through how I can adopt fairly and responsibly.

I hope your adoption plans, which I know are very early, will progress smoothly and that they will bring you a wonderful child and much joy.

[stephanie]

Jill-It is hard to write about race. I think it was a brave post.

I also think that you are doing the right thing by being honest with yourselves and eachother as you begin this journey. Of course you could and would love any child you adopted, but it has to be the right home for the child as well. and it is so much better to understand that now than after the fact.

all my best~~~~

[Jennifer]

Prayers for your mom. The surgery is more likely to go well than not.

Thinking of you.

[Rosemary]

Jill, I'll keep your mom in my prayers. Your post got me to thinking about race and adoption and what we would do. I don't know, but I see how important it is to think it out. Thanks for this. I wonder if down the line you might write about why you chose domestic adoption (well I guess that has to do with race too on some level), but maybe I should just get a book and read up on the difference for myself! I am very new to the adoption world.

[Margie]

I'm new to your blog, found you from Dawn's.

I commend your agency for taking the time to help you consider the implications of intercountry and transracial adoption to you and to the children. And I commend you for sharing your thoughts so openly.

[millie]

Thinking of your mom (and your family) and wishing her all the best with her surgery. My dad had a triple-bypass years ago and I remember how scary it all was. The good news is it was 18 years ago.

As for the rest of your post, all I can say is wow. We're starting to think about the same issues and I love the exercise you did in your class. I hope that we approach this as thoughfully as you have. I think we all come to adoption from just different places and we have to choose what is best for our family.

I wish you all the best on this part of your journey and always look forward to reading more about it.

[Ersza]

Great post! We are researching adoption right now. We are going to try adopting an older child from the foster care system. After doing a lot of reading about adoption, I feel that a caucasion child would be optimal for our family, not for community diversity reasons, but because attachment is a huge issue for older children and being a different race is one more obstacle. I would not rule out transracial adoption, if a child of another race seemed perfect for us otherwise. We do live in a very diverse community, and my husband and I have both had biracial family members in our lives, and I grew up in an extremely multiracial environment (as in I know very well how it feels to be the only white person in the room).

I will caution you, however, that our beads in a jar exercise before our son was born would have been much like yours. Not all white, but a lot of our friends and immediate contacts would have been white. However, being parents has drawn us much more deeply into what is really quite a multicultural community. I have children of all colors tromping through my house (with muddy shoes!) all the time, so you might want to look around your community--actually go to your neighborhood school or check out the private schools you would be considering, also preschools, playgroups, library story time and do another mental beads in jar exercise. Then, if a transracial adoption opportunity comes up and you decide you want it in your heart, you will know where to find the community you need around you for raising the child. Because there's a good chance you will get called on a non-white infant. (They are somewhat harder to place, so they might call you "just in case," and it will be very to turn down the opportunity.) Good luck, and I have to say it is worse than ignorant for anyone to criticize you for wanting a healthy white baby. No one every criticizes fertile people for giving birth to a white infant instead of adopting transracially.